From the pages of Mirror, Mirror,
a Step-By-Step Guide
to Creating a Life that Loves You Back.
Truthfully, and this is one of the first times I have disclosed this: I was proud of my suffering. In a really twisted way, I enjoyed my self-sabotage. I got a hit from it just like a gambler would.
I knew I was playing a game of Russian Roulette
and I got off on it.
Over and over again, I proved my own worthlessness to myself. I was brilliant at it!
I kept putting off life because I was tired, unhappy, sick, depressed, didn't want to move … I was lost in The Waiting Game because waiting was easier than coming to terms with the truth. Waiting also gave me a smug sense of satisfaction. I thought I could beat the Grim Reaper. I planned to jump on the train of life at the very last second. How arrogant of me.
The waiting game for me was also about how bad I and my life could get before I had to pull back from the hellish experience. How long could I keep rolling the dice of my trauma and sparking the adrenaline hits? I was addicted to the danger.
This is the most severe form of Self-Sabotage. It is rooted in the voice of the Inner Critic, in the never-ending litany of self-hatred:
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
You can't do THAT.
You are stupid, dumb, ignorant, worthless, ugly, unlikable, valueless … ad infinitum.
You deserve to suffer.
In order to break up with Self-Sabotage and the Inner Critic, my journey took me to death’s door, literally.
I allowed my body to fall apart, my heart to break, and my life to become nothing I could be proud of. In fact, by the time I found the courage to face what I had done to myself in the name of self-hatred, there almost wasn't any hope left for me. My organs were shutting down. By the time I decided I had to change, I had been given only two years to live.
Or maybe I should say that I had been given two years to live by the time I DISCOVERED how to change and found the will to apply what I had learned.
I remember so vividly the day my life finally changed. I woke up to the sun coming into my room with a different quality of light. It was my birthday and I thought, “Wow, what a lovely gift. God is here visiting me.”
I have always seen nature as God's way to communicate with our human essence, our delicate, precious humanity.
I got up to see my boys (they were so young then). I sat down on the couch as I did every day. I heard a voice say to me.
"You have been unhappy your whole life. What would it look like to be happy?"
I sat there and wondered for a moment what this meant. I actually could see myself sitting across the room looking at me and being aware that I could neglect myself again or I could finally do what was right for me.
In that moment, in the stark juxtaposition of two choices, I finally, definitively, chose me.
I chose life.
And life chose me!
As I sat there on my couch, I was given the ultimate framework (so elegant in its simplicity) for closing the gap between the painful, limited life I had and the life that, up until then, I had regarded as nothing more than an unreachable fairy tale dream. At its core, this fairy tale dream was really very simple:
I wanted to enjoy me and I wanted to enjoy my life.
I call this framework, as I mentioned before, Dream.Believe.Create. Now, just as it was given to me, I am going to give it to you. I am going to meet you in the heart of your longing, in the midst of your disappointment from all those substitutes (and loveless choices) just as God met me on my couch, in the sliver of space between life and death.
Just as spirit invited me, I now invite you to choose life for yourself; brilliant pleasurable, meaningful life … YOUR LIFE—in all its magnificent possibility. Let my voice of invitation at long last be louder than the voice of lovelessness. Let it be clearer than the call of Self-Sabotage & its trusty compadre, the Inner Critic.
Squeeze my hand a little tighter and together, we will begin to
Remember: You can have what you want ONLY IF you'll dare to dream it and then to act on your dreams.
Are you ready?
During this session we will:
- Find out what a life that loves you back looks like to you (think of a life invested in your God-given purpose);
- Contrast that vision with your current life in specific detail;
- Figure out what’s keeping you lost in the horror of the fun house mirrors from hell;
- Determine what we need to do in order to put a dash of love in your eyes and a dollop of passion in your life; and
- Discover your kind of love song so we can sing it together.
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